Second subject line: "Homeowners Association or HOA fees and Bankruptcy." And with that, the Google site-crawling spiders being satisfied, I am now Free to Move About the Web sans servitude to keywordology. Notwithstanding Verizon's cultural contribution of the "Free to Move About" tagline and that indelible bespectacled geek (his bespectacledness doesn't make him a geek; otherwise I'd be a geek and that's not possible. It's not possible, is it?) and his computer-multiplied minions, I have discharged (canceled in bankruptcy) a fair share of Verizon debt on my clients' behalves. If phone bills didn't top a grand, I wouldn't have to go there.

I. AT&T and the Wilson Brothers

I've also discharged a lot of AT&T bills, but don't tell them, because they're my cellular provider and according to Forbes magazine (a copy of which I read in a waiting room), AT&T is VERY VERY powerful. They cannot do a thing to my clients ('cause if they do--why, I'll...), but their powerful power permits them to place me on infinite hold should I ever call for help. Such calls are generally motivated by the perplexities of the Cell Phone Invoice, a species of written form second to none but the Internal Revenue Code for its superlative degree of vexatiousness.

AT&T really needs to work on its image. First, they don't have a bespectacled-geek spokesman; they should get one. (Verizon-bespectacled-geek is occupied, but I hear Jared, from the Subway ads is available; he'll do in a pinch.) Second, while they have a happy orange color scheme (and orange had been the "new black" at one point or another), their most famous spokesperson was Luke Wilson; true, he's a Wilson brother, and that stands for something, but he's not even a first-rate Wilson brother, like the other Wilson brother, Owen Wilson, being the one with the disheveled blond mop, an endearing broken nose, and that gee-whiz, aw-shucks charm. Third, AT&T's name does not inspire modernity. They are the American Telegraph and Telephone Company, and telegraphs are only sometimes used. I propose, American Telepathy and Telephone. Telecommunications progress at such rapid rate (for example, telegraph usage has dropped 10% since 2001) that telepathy is right around the corner: the inevitable marriage of technology and parapsychology, so often discussed.

II. HOAs and the Bankruptcy Code

Where was I before you distracted me? Right: homeowners associations. Now, HOAs are special; as such, debts to HOAs occupy a special class of debt, and merit a special section in Title 11, the United States Bankruptcy Code. In 7 lines of text, 11 USC section 523(a)(16) states: HOA dues before bankruptcy are dischargeable; HOA fees after bankruptcy are not. Not every form of creditor gets such honorable mention: there are only so many hundreds of pages in the Bankruptcy Code to go around. For example, there is no particular rule about the Victoria's Secret Angel card, the Target Red Card, or my Vons Club card. Yet. When the Code's revised again, what sections may come and what sub-sections will be shuffled off?

Why do HOAs receive special treatment not awarded other creditors? Why ever not? Nobody argues the proposition that HOAs are the paragon of the American Institution. What organically follows is brief commentary on HOAs' integral role in our culture.

3. III.HOAs: Sights and Sounds and Smells
   

HOAs are primarily known for hiring leaf blowers to leaf-blow. Leaf blowing serves the important function of blowing leaves from Point A to Point B. Townhome residents are regularly privileged come early morning with the sight and sound of leaf blowing men carrying those awesomely cool backpacks, like the ones from the movie, Ghostbusters. Blowers, rest assured, are "green;" in fact, they're 100% recycled from surplus flame throwers and vacuum cleaner hoses. Beyond teaching leaves a lesson in manners, blowers masterly muffle neighborhood noise, such as talking. Blowers' heavy emissions helpfully block offensive smells such as cookies baking, and your baby's shampooed hair. In addition, HOA leaf blowing props up the principle of predictability: it is highly predictable in the unpredictability of its scheduling; it may happen Monday, Tuesday, and/or Wednesday. Repeat visits permit blowers to adapt to changing conditions; leaves may be shifted from Point A to Point B and back to Point A, because sometimes on second thought, Point B isn't as good as Point A.

Leaf blowing is widely considered the premier factor in preserving real property's value. In this recession, notwithstanding diligent leaf blowing, condominiums and townhomes have halved in value, it's true. Yet, imagine the unimaginable decline had the properties suffered for want of leaf blowing: they'd have quartered in value.

IV. HOAs: How Do They Due It?

HOAs' inexplicable ability to exponentially increase dues is a most curious thing. In a nation beset by recession, HOAs are envied for successfully defying the usual market constraints, such as common sense and all economic theory. However, no other institution has better merited increased funding. Incredibly, the contributions of HOAs extend beyond the promotion of leaf blowing on a global scale. They are famous for an expedient mechanism of conflict resolution and improvements.

V. Fixin

Neighbors are not always good neighbors and the common areas of a complex may need fixin. Got complaints? (By the by, try going through life without saying "got." Ever. Given it is satisfactorily substituted by "have," "received," or "brought," it serves no purpose save to invite grammatical abuse.) The excellent means of answering your grievances is something the HOAs got down to a science.

VI. Lounge Act

Suppose you wish to have a rusty lounge chair at the community pool replaced. Call the HOA: they have thousands of your dollars at their disposal and the means of redressing the wrongs of rust (technically you call the property management company, but we'll just refer to them as the HOA, 'cause that's simpler, which is a good reason). Instantly, the complaint is processed. You need only submit a written description and request for consideration of addition to the agenda of a future HOA meeting. HOAs' homeowners' meetings are set quarterly on weekday evenings (usually in the lil' clubhouse by the pool with the rusty lounge chair) to discuss latest developments in leaf blower technology, to discuss your thousands of dollars at the HOA's disposal, and to take "minutes."

VII. Barking Up The Wrong Tree

HOA meeting agendas are set months in advance to ensure there's no digression, flexibility, adaptability, or exchange of ideas, which might lengthen the proceedings by several minutes. Stray from the agenda, causing delay and you miss out on evening pleasures, like your Glee viewing-party, or your no-more-than-2-dog nighttime walking. Why 2? I simply cite the 2-dog limit under HOA bylaw 9004.3(b) as amended by General Order 162-A in Spring 2009; to wit: "No household shall have more than 2 full-size canines. If any one canine fits into a purse, one may have a total of 3." Since "canine" was never strictly defined consistent with the presumed intent, as canus lupus familiaris, HOAs' adherence to the rule of law has been expressed in odd fashion. Dentists operating in the vicinity of HOA communities have had increased demand for elective tooth extraction, while veterinarians routinely perform animal liposuction; when asked for lipo target dimensions, a dog owner will generally measure with her hands about the length of her purse.

Now... where was I? Right, you've submitted your request for lounge-chair replacement. The agenda for the HOA meeting for the first quarter of 2011 has been filled. However, there is vacancy in the agenda for the second quarter of 2011 meeting (approximately six months from the present). You prepare your written request, calendar your attendance at that meeting in six months and patiently await an answer. While the ultimate resolution awaits, you may rest assured that your request will not be rejected until such time that it's been reviewed by the HOA Board, the Pool Committee, and the Pool Lounge-Chair Sub-Committee. In the meantime, you discover that a second amendment to bylaw 9003.4(b), being General Order 162-B is on the agenda for the third quarter meeting of 2011. In preparation, the HOA's Sub-Sub-Committee for Dogs and Cats has ordered hard copies of both the Oxford Dictionary and Roget's Thesaurus. Their intention is to establish an interim definition of "canine" pending subsequent General Order 162-C.

VIII. Commendations

You may think the HOA is an entity (albeit an excellent entity) without a soul. Not true. In dealing with the HOA, one finds a human touch. Back when I lived in an HOA-run establishment, I used to call the HOA's property management. A lot. A guy named, Dave, whom we'll refer to as "Dave" would routinely take my calls. Mainly, I commended Dave for the excellent leaf blowing in our 'hood. Sometimes, there were straggler leaves at the end of a day, yet with Dave's steady reassurance, you knew someone would be on top of it by the morrow. In all honesty, my calls to Dave were not all flattery (albeit well-deserved flattery). Occasionally I had to complain about the neighbor firing up his chopper at 3 a.m. Or the neighbor's pit bull, Fred, taking it upon himself to regulate the 2-dog quota by eating other dogs. The mailman endorsed the latter complaint because Fred tried to eat him too.

Dave was always on the ball inviting me to write letters that would be instantly processed by a sub-committee in charge of referrals to other committees. When he picked up the line, Dave invariably answered with an "oh, you again" tone, even when I had called him for the very first time. You might think that was indifferent at best, but that wasn't the case. Dave was just too cool for school. In fact, for a while, I imitated his style at work, thinking people might interpret nonchalance as an expression of high standing. In the end, it didn't work for me personally and I had to revert to being naturally nice. But I found Dave's 'tude to be instructive in the art of how to win friends and influence people by making them feel small. Last I heard, Dave was promoted to the position of assistant to the regional manager of leaf blowers. We wish him well.

For some reason, 7 lines of text from the Bankruptcy Code turned into all the above nonsense. But next week we'll discuss "double dipping" in bankruptcy: the application of chip-and-dip etiquette to Schedules I, J and the Statement of Current Monthly Income.