I. The New Rules

Real Time with Bill Maher (pronounced "mahr") is a provocative HBO talk show starring actor/comedian/pundit/whatever-he-is, Bill Maher. It's on HBO and we don't subscribe to HBO, yet I know of Maher from the infrequent professional conference-trip sans spouse, where pampered accommodations are uncalled for. On such occasion, the motel marquees boasting "HBO" and "ESPN" are big selling points. A bankruptcy conference consists of several days attending lectures, networking, and amassing great quantities of vendor-booth swag. It is all very tiring and when you're ready to retire from such a day, comfort's found at your modest lodging in a vending machine, a bucket of ice, and premium cable.

Say you retire to your room, it's 9:30 p.m. and your motel TV guide shows the The Rock movie starts only at 10 (The Rock being the sobriquet of actor and erstwhile wrestler, Dwayne Johnson. I believe The Rock presently prefers to be addressed as Dwayne Johnson. Yet, I risk offense and call him The Rock, so I may write things like, "The The Rock movie" then humble Grammar Check by rejecting its objection to the repeated word "the." Grammar Check thinks it's so smart.) So from 9:30 to 10, you pass the time with Real Time. Real Time features a live studio audience, live guest panelists, and via-satellite panelists, who are also alive. The gabfest's guests are a satisfying mixture of politicians and actors, the latter there to show they still know something about something, when untethered from a script. The subject matter is predictably polarizing. Yet, whether one watches to validate opinion, seethe in indignation, or wait on the The Rock movie, all may agree upon one particular observation: that Maher is prone to populating his panel and audience with yes-persons. In the event of a token objection, Maher will invariably interject and quiet the protest by talking right over it. This muffling capability is in keeping with the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (College edition) definition of "talk show host:" "One of a group of outspoken individuals with no particular commonality save for an innate ability to discreetly command the volume dial on guests' microphones."

Anyway, a signature segment of Real Time with Bill Maher is the editorial “The New Rules,” which presents mock suggestions for abandoning bad practices and improving humankind. Inspired by that vaguely related concept of A Series of New Resolutions, I will propose below "The New E-mail Signatures." (Naturally, the polemical Maher had nothing really to do with this blog.) E-mail signatures routinely include trite sign-offs (who says "best regards" anyway? Who came up with that one?), device defaults, labored privacy-warnings, and other predicable plagiarizations. These tired e-mail closures and footnotes beg revision; we must list The New E-mail Signatures. But why a list? Because

II. Nothing Beats a List

Sure, it is certainly for want of substance that writers compile lists of Things. For example, periodicals fancy their Greatest Lists lists. You know, The 10 Greatest [insert name of genre or decade] Movies, The 10 Greatest TV Characters, The 10 Greatest Villains, The 2 Acceptable 80s Songs. Still… nothing beats a list.

Many years ago, I pseudonymously wrote for The Koala, the vulgar, sophomoric quarterly published at UC San Diego in competition with its official weekly, The Guardian.

At late-night bull sessions, over greasy Round Table and tepid Bud Light, we crafted our signature off-color Top Ten lists for the Koala's Top Ten Lists page. I'm a bit out of practice, but this is what I have so far:

III. The New Email Signatures (without further ado... sorry about all that prior ado):

1) Thank you and best regards,

[Insert your name]

In the event wishing regards seems incongruous with an otherwise hostile email, please just note it's a default sign-off. I still don't like you.

2) Sent from my clunky desktop.

3) The content of this e-mail and its attachments is mundane and you’re not privileged for the pleasure of having read it. We are indifferent as to its distribution to non-original and un-intended recipients. If you received this email in error, please feel free to delete it. Or not. Just don’t call to bother us about it.

4) The content of this e-mail is not intended for you. It is confidential and privileged. It's been sent solely to test your good faith compliance with our systemic privacy notices. Therefore, please delete this message, then immediately call us to confirm you did so.

5) If smart-phone reading this email while idling at a light, please honk if you like cookies.

6) Please excuse my lack of salutations, greetings, and regards. I'm busier than you are.

7) Please consider the environment before printing this email. I realize you probably never considered printing this email (who prints emails?), yet now you know: me and Mother Earth are tight.

8) Please excuse my spelling mistakes, my thumbs are too big for my Blackberry. Why are my thumbs so big?

9) This email is a confidential and may contain privileged attorney-client communication and/or attorney work product. Its forwarding or distribution to anyone other than the intended and original recipient is prohibited and subject to penalties pursuant to 18 United States Code §2511 et seq., such penalties to include fines of no less than $500 for each violation, imprisonment of not more than 5 years, tarring and feathering, tarring without feathering, and/or feathering without tarring (in all circumstances, tar may be substituted by an adhesive of like quality).

10) [Insert profound quotation from a prominent person, which expresses your own greatness by association]

Postscript (because postscript sounds better than plain-old "P.S.")

While its reliance upon advanced thumb dexterity may slightly curtail conversion, ultimately, the majority of adults will follow the evolution of young people toward the higher communicative level of "texting." Texting--defined by the Webster Dictionary (Tween Edition) as "sending an email to a telephone number"--does not enable use of a signature, thus avoiding the imperative to select one. That choice presents the dilemma whether to conform or be a smart aleck. Don't be a smart aleck in your emails. That is what blogs are for.

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